I have a confession to make. I may have averted the end of the world! Now that may be a good or a bad thing, depending on your level of depression. You see, at the precise moment that the Mayan calendar came to an end earlier on today, (although some people in my village are saying they’ve got it all wrong, ‘le fin du monde’ is at midnight tonight – bless them. I guess they want to increase the odds in favour of this catachlysmic event getting underway. Yes, a few more hours might just give the earth the time to hot up enough to blow us all to kingdom come!). But where was I? Oh yes, I was bending over to pick up 1euro that I saw lying on the road, just outside the Boulangerie. As I was down there (so to speak), I noticed everything go black There was no sound, not even a vibration as I peeked between my legs, and noticed that the road that I thought I was standing on was gone! All around me was an inverted darkness. I felt really scared and didn’t know what to do…. Should I continue to stay there, upended and in chaos? And for how long? The thought that I was ending it all with my arse in the air on a French roadside almost induced giggles…but ‘le fin du monde’ didn’t seem anything to get frivolous about. Just at that point, I heard a rumble.. kind of like distant thunder but much, much quieter. It was strange that I could hear this sound and even stranger that I could still be thinking if the earth had been obliterated. Another couple of minutes past… well that’s to say, they didn’t pass because time must have ended too. The rumble didn’t get any louder, or closer….it just continued…. It was as if it were inside me! I was by then, really on the edge… I had thought that when it all ended I wouldn’t be aware anymore… yet here I was, listening to the rumble within me and thinking crazy thoughts.
After what seemed like a year or two, my thoughts filled with dread that I would not be able to get upright again and that I had no hope in hell of finding an osteopath in an infinite void, I started to understand what the rumble was saying to me. It was like listening to French radio… after a while you recognise the odd word and then it all starts to make sense.. and then you turn it off because they’re talking crap! To break the monotony of being suspended in France, quite out of the black, I had a moment of what I can only describe as utter and excrutiating pain! I felt that my head was spinning with nausea, my whole body was as rigid as a priest’s penis …and the words of this rumbling phrase kept playing in my head, like a stuck record. “See a penny, pick it up..” Maybe I would go insane eventually and that would end this pergatory for me? Maybe I could try to shuffle in my inverted state towards where the Boulangerie used to be, and it could be possible, in this surreal world, to find a portal and end up surrounded by chocolate eclairs.. and, just maybe, consuming every one of them (or not, depending on how this mind experiment pans out) would send enough sugar coursing through my veins to bring me out of this stupor!.
But the song continued….. “See a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck!”… ” see a penny, pick it….” and so on. And then came my Eureka moment! The voice of God, or reason, or Elvis or whoever, was speaking to me through the rumble. The voice was loud and clear, “The fate of the world is in you, Marianne!!” So I had two options, I could leave this Euro on the floor and that would be it… the world ends. Or I could follow the refrain of the song and see what happens. The rest is history! I picked up the penny (Euro in this case), returned to my vertical position, perpendicular to the road… and everything was back to normal again…(except that I kept losing my balance and falling around like a drunk!) People walking, the sound of birdsong, the rain pissing it down. Like I said, I can’t explain why I was given this amazing opportunity to bring you all back to life. (And apologies to those of you who wish I hadn’t). I just hope that you will appreciate my role in your future now, because the second part of the prophesy, which arrived just as the rumbling passed my pancreas on it’s way to my bowel, has divined that all earthlings should send me 10% of their wealth. Paypal is fine… or little bags of money left by my doorstep… not too heavy mind.